There is no content as such on this page. It is only intended to be the focus for the review.
All discussion points will be entered as comments below.
Once again, let me assure Claire that I love what she is doing. My queries are made in the hope it will improve my future writing.
Chapter 2
Sheamaine, Sheamaine!
During workshopping on my writing course, other course members grumbled that they did not know how to pronounce Ximene.
I introduced this sentence to help readers at the earliest opportunity.
I have now made a change to make it more obvious:
Sheamaine, Sheamaine! Dominic’s heart thumped out her name.
Chapter 4
There was a fair bit at the start of chapter, which explained why Ximene was trying to escape, which you deleted. I think it works without this segment but the readers must spend time wondering what is going on. How do you make these decisions?
Chapter 4
I have inserted a bit about the dinner. An earlier editor took it out because of the excessive amount of exposition I thought was necessary. In the comments on the page I have shown some of the exposition which I have now omitted, inspired by your example. Comments please.
Chapter 4
Bondage. Nothing is sacrosanct. But this introducton to the concept of domination is important John is inexperienced and inhibited. Ximene’s relationship with him is sustained by her ability and willingness to dominate.Also as I said in a separate e-mail Ximene has to deal with issues of legitimate punishment as she decides wether she really wants to be Queen of Occitan.
why did you take out the bit about what Ximene Feels––
She flinched as he applied the whip. Internally her mind was in a whirl. Instinctively she knew this was not punishment. He was enjoying this.
Chapter 24
There was a substantial piece at the end of this chapter which identified Ximene’s dislike of the Temple. Is there a specific reason why this was removed?
Now you have edited a fair proportion of the book, what do you make of my use of point of view? You have hardly mentioned it except where I have missed break lines. It was heavily criticised by a previous editor.
Presumably you were able to change inappropriate passive voice where it occurred. i have not gone looking for it.