Review ( up to page 28)

There is no content as such on this page. It is only intended to be the focus for the review.

All discussion points will be entered as comments below.

Once again, let me assure Claire that I love what she is doing.  My queries are made in the hope it will improve my future writing.

6 thoughts on “Review ( up to page 28)”

  1. Chapter 2

    Sheamaine, Sheamaine!

    During workshopping on my writing course, other course members grumbled that they did not know how to pronounce Ximene.

    I introduced this sentence to help readers at the earliest opportunity.

    I have now made a change to make it more obvious:

    Sheamaine, Sheamaine! Dominic’s heart thumped out her name.

  2. Chapter 4

    There was a fair bit at the start of chapter, which explained why Ximene was trying to escape, which you deleted. I think it works without this segment but the readers must spend time wondering what is going on. How do you make these decisions?

  3. Chapter 4

    I have inserted a bit about the dinner. An earlier editor took it out because of the excessive amount of exposition I thought was necessary. In the comments on the page I have shown some of the exposition which I have now omitted, inspired by your example. Comments please.

  4. Chapter 4

    Bondage. Nothing is sacrosanct. But this introducton to the concept of domination is important John is inexperienced and inhibited. Ximene’s relationship with him is sustained by her ability and willingness to dominate.Also as I said in a separate e-mail Ximene has to deal with issues of legitimate punishment as she decides wether she really wants to be Queen of Occitan.

    why did you take out the bit about what Ximene Feels––

    She flinched as he applied the whip. Internally her mind was in a whirl. Instinctively she knew this was not punishment. He was enjoying this.

  5. Chapter 24

    There was a substantial piece at the end of this chapter which identified Ximene’s dislike of the Temple. Is there a specific reason why this was removed?

  6. Now you have edited a fair proportion of the book, what do you make of my use of point of view? You have hardly mentioned it except where I have missed break lines. It was heavily criticised by a previous editor.

    Presumably you were able to change inappropriate passive voice where it occurred. i have not gone looking for it.

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The most dangerous woman in the world

The Treasure of Trencavel

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Extract from The Prisoner of Foix--Chapter 43 -The EntranceNo need to buy a Kindle. Read it on your computer or tablet

John Stanley-26th April 1355

 

'Looks like we are going to see a bit of excitement, John. The Captain tried to get an agreement from the Prince that if there is surf running across the channel to Arcachon we will turn back to Bordeaux, but the Prince would hear none of it. Instead, he has offered to provide insurance for all three ships. If they are damaged or sunk, the owners will be compensated and every sailor who makes the passage will be given a bounty payment. What none of this seems to take into account is that if we sink in rough, fast-flowing waters we might all drown.'

John raised his eyebrows. 'But that is what we are going to do?'

'Yes, despite the fact that surf running accross the entrance is not uncommon and the deep water channel moves continually. In the end, the Prince attacked their captains on their weakest point, their professional pride! He threw down the gauntlet. He offered to take the Sally first through the channel, and to take control during the passage.' He raised his brow. 'We are going into the Bay of Arcachon, come what may! '

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Extract from The Eagle of Carcassone -- Chapter 24-- A Real GoddessNo need to buy a Kindle. Read it on your computer or tablet

John Stanley - 22 July 1355

An hour later John walked with Ximene close to the river along the valley below St Feriole. It was the very essence of a summer’s day. The sun was fierce but in the shadow of the trees, it was cool and fragrant. The trees and shrubs along the riverbank hid their progress, from the Château, from St Feriole.

Eventually they reached a point where John thought it was safe to emerge from cover. To his satisfaction the stream extended into a pool with a sandy beach, shaded by trees. Where the stream entered the pool there was a flat grassy area, almost circular. Behind this, the bulk of two mountain ridges provided a splendid backdrop. He looked around once more ‘Not just a good training ground but a great training ground. If the Greek heroes knew about this they might be tempted to join me, to train with me’

Ximene laughed out loud. He turned to look at her. She had removed her outer clothes and was wearing a white chemise, cut short so that it barely reached her knees. Around her waist, she wore a plaited leather belt, obviously fashioned from the multitude of leather straps to be found in the tackle room.

She ran her hands down over her breasts. ‘When you were unconscious I heard you muttering about gods and goddesses, so  I have decided that from now on, for you, I will be the goddess.’

Available February 2020
The Prisoner of FoixVol 1 of the series—The Treasure of Trencavel

Aquitaine, an English possession, is in crisis. It is under threat from neighbouring nations and internal dissension.

The Black Prince, King Edward III’s eldest son has been given the task of taking command in Aquitaine.

Suddenly there is an opportunity. Ximene Trencavel is the heiress to the lands of Occitan, to the east of Aquitaine: lands controlled by the Franks. Ximene wants independence, both for herself and for Occitan.

A union between Aquitaine and Occitan would be mutually beneficial. The Black Prince undertakes a secret journey to meet Ximene to negotiate a marriage contract. It is, however, a marriage neither of them really wants.

Meanwhile, the  Franks plot to murder Ximene to prevent ,not just the marriage, but any kind of union between England and Occitan.

The Eagle Of CarcassonneVol II of the series—The Treasure of Trencavel

The loose alliance between Ximene Trencavel and the Black Prince is under threat.

The Prince invades Occitan, to show his support for Ximene but it becomes an invasion which creates more problems than it solves.

The Prince has fallen hopelessly in love with Joan of Kent and Joan is now determined to marry him and become the next Queen of England.

Joan is therefore  determined to convince Ximene that she should not marry the Prince.

Part of her strategy is to encourage Ximene’s relationship with John Stanley—one of the Princes bodyguards—not an easy task as both John and Ximene have doubts about their compatibility.

However, John is grievously injured in a battle and Ximene commits herself to nurse him back to health.